Subject: Watched One #10 (04Oct00) Journey
The past few days have been very bumpy as some of you know. I got the peg fixed on Thursday, which has been amazingly great, but then over the weekend, the mouth sores that all the MDs were so surprised had not appeared yet, appeared. They are kinda vicious. Palliation is Vicodin and some topical anesthetic. I was really depressed over the weekend, and angry. But somehow since then, I have regained my equilibrium, and learning to deal with this new discomfort, have more energy and am feeling good again.
I am beginning to look ahead to the next few months and try to figure out what I will be doing while rehabbing my talking, eating, and the rest of my body. I feel like my body has been stolen from me, and I am so anxious to feel like I own it again, to feel really inside of it, and to feel fit and strong. I am intending, as soon as the peg is out to resume doing Pilates work, and even before that, but after my treatment ends, may begin some restorative yoga work, at an Iyengar studio recommended by a friend. We'll see. Some things depend upon when I can begin to drive again. My neck mobility has improved so much, that I think once some of the drugs are out of my system, I'll be ready to go in not too long. Beyond these next few months, things are so unknown that I can't even speculate, but I've been thinking a lot.
Yesterday, I spent the whole day on my own, releasing my parents to do as they pleased. It was a wonderful day for me, and I felt very centered. I did my first piece of artwork about the journey of my cancer and wanted to share it with you all. It will follow in a separate e-mail, not an attachment. In my visualizations, I often imagine desert scenes (heat being the radiation, sun also the healing). Each day is different. Sometimes I am defeated, others, jubilant, flying, sifting sand, swimming in the air, but all days are linked. I tried to capture in this drawing something of the variability of each day as well as how each day and mood and moment supports and carries through to the next. The title of the drawing is "Days". Just wanted to share it with you all.
Be in touch soon,
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