Subject: WATCHED ONE #14 (28Dec00) Roiling seas Dear Watchers, At times I envision you standing at disparate shores looking out over the sea
for a light, a message, a sign of what is going on here. I know that we have
been uncommunicative for a while. I imagine that some of you see this as a calm
sea and feel relieved at no news, and in some ways this is accurate. There are
no ER visits, surgeries, or imminent crises on hand. The surface of the water is
relatively eventless; however underneath the tides are roiling, sea creatures
are being tossed this way and that, and old wrecks are being pushed over to
reveal their undersides. Recently, I have been having long bouts of bronchial spasm coughing (a
recurrent Winter problem for me for years), leading to severe spasms in my
already tight neck muscles, feelings of choking and ultimately, vomiting
intermittently for an hour (fun). It can pull my trachea out of alignment and
feels very traumatic for my body and me. We have talked to Andy and focused on
heading off the coughing spasms before they get too bad, but I don't know if it
will work. I am frightened when I begin to cough and this probably makes things
worse. When I often feel like my whole life revolves around the cancer and that feels very unbalanced, although at this stage, it is kind of appropriate. I feel alternatively very hard on myself for not doing more, and then too hard on myself for pushing before I am ready. Finding a balance is so individual I don't know who could help me. Life is feeling very lonely, both because of all the physical things that only I am going through and because I think Karl and I sent out a message after treatment was done "Yeah, Jen made it through treatment, it's all downhill from here..." In many ways I have found this time much harder than treatment where goals and timetables were clear. I hear from all my doctors that it will be months before I feel well, that it has only been a little while since I left treatment (2 months) and that I have to be patient. I am mentally picturing April, my birthday month, as a possible turning point, but I don't think change will come dramatically, so it makes it hard to see. Envisioning a positive pain-free future feels almost impossible right now as
I sit in the midst of my body. If people say that the body is a temple, then I
feel mine has been massacred by my treatment and its after-effects. I am trying
to use this image to think about kindly dusting off stones from the temple,
figuring out where they go and gently replacing them. Temples do no magically
rebuild themselves and what is rebuilt must be done with care and reverence. And
the rebuilt temple is never the same temple, but can be beautiful. It is
sometimes hard Soon, it will also be time for me to add some non-recovery items to my agenda, but I have to take care that they are healing activities which will bring me some pleasure but don't require too much commitment. I want to sculpt but haven't found the right way to bring that back into my life. Perhaps I will find a class, I don't know. On top of all of the physical stuff, I have become quite depressed over the
past month or so, which adds to my negative attitude, saps my energy, and is
hard on Karl as his partner is not the funnest person to be around. I've been
through depression before but this one feels much more based on real things in
my life. Although I have good reason to be depressed with this nightmare flying
from left field into my life, it is not an adaptive response if it gets in the
way of my taking best care of myself. I am trying to pull my way out as best I
can. Perhaps that is why I haven't written in so long -- I haven't felt I had
much good to say, and I've felt like cocooning a bit. It was particularly hard
during the two weeks that Karl went to the UK to see his family. My car was
stolen and then recovered and the stress pushed me over the edge. Sometimes it
all feels Jobian. Fortunately, it was salvageable and I will be getting my little
Honda back soon. Best and wishing you all wonderful holidays, Jennifer |
If you have any comments or problems with
this site please contact Karl
Horton |